I want to give myself away in the service of others.

I want to be filled to overflowing.

I want to be still and know He is God.

I want to win my wife back. No more flowers in the sand.

I want to live up to what I have already attained.

Revival is not enough.  I want revolution.

Lord, may this journey bring insight, revelation and fruit that will sustain. May your glory be revealed in the midst of my time here, in my family’s life, in the River Church, and in the churches in Myanmar.

May our presence and deposit bring healing and life – to those who hear, and to those who minister. May we truly be the River.

I am not adequate to the task. But I know your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

May I bring glory to your name.

23 November 2009

Lisa was a fighter, right up until today when she won it outright: she met cancer head-on, and she fought with grace, dignity and precision every step of the way.

I met her shortly before her first skirmish.  we worked with her mother at a Christian bookstore. at 21, I was considered the music ‘expert’ (no one ever really dug my choices). I was fresh out of college, and as fresh-faced as one could be. I was naive about the world, but optimistic. Lisa validated my optimism, but having moved home after a great loss in her own life, served as one who could gently introduce me to the world’s harsher realities. in short, she invited me to her apartment with A., her non-Christian roommate, where we drank wine and watched R-rated movies as A. smoked exotic cigarettes.

Lisa’s first battle with cancer was a vicious one. she fought bravely, though not without significant cost. in recovery, I remember coming to the very terrifying realization that things would never be the same for her. or for me. someone I knew and was becoming close to was facing a very real moment of tragic loss. not to mention a very real confrontation with her mortality.

I think that first experience with cancer set the stage for how she would face life: head-on, pragmatic, and as full and rich as she knew how: the cancer went into remission after the chemo; her mother bought a juicer; she sat on the porch and drank in the cool autumn starlit nights; the scarf on her head was colorful.

we lost touch sometime after life went back to ‘normal’. I met her a couple years later to introduce her to my fiancee, and again after she married. she had just been diagnosed with cancer again, and the casualties were no less tragic.

my last time seeing her in person was at her mother’s funeral. it was a chance, fluke thing that I even knew she had passed; I happened upon her name in the obituaries, and I rarely read the paper. it was a fleeting moment, seeing Lisa as I shared my sympathy with her family, but no less seminal for me.

we corresponded last year when she reached out to me on Facebook, and later in private emails over the summer. it was joyous to me to interact with her. the fight was clearly still there in her words, even when she announced she would no longer seek to overcome the disease that had been ever present for almost half her life. Lisa’s indomitable spirit came through loud and clear in her emails.

I am reminded that people come into our lives to be gifts or lessons.  Lisa was both. in her own quiet, sweet way, she taught me to expand my cultural boundaries. to appreciate REM. to receive people and thoughts with grace and humility, but mostly, to have a sense of humor about it all. her gift to me was her ability to smile at everything, even when it hurt like a *#$@!*^%.

Lisa’s life serves as a lesson to me of having purpose and a strategy. her husband said she planned everything in her final months down to the tiniest detail.  I want to know my purpose in life so well that I am prepared for what comes my way. and just as she was in her final days, I want to be known for being peaceful, dignified, and graceful in every way imaginable.

ROCK GOD GOES WITH GOD BUT GOES; FILM AT 11

Stating the Band is Alone Together, Legendary Guitarist Says He Is No Longer Nuts For You (For Crying Out Loud)

BUSHNELL, IL – Michael “Armando” Roe, lead vocalist, guitarist and superstar of the venerable Christian alternative rock band the 77′s, best known for his note-for-note cover of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, will reportedly announce his retirement prior to taking the main stage later this week at Cornerstone Festival 2000.

“I just need a break, ya know?”, Roe said when reports surfaced of his impending departure. “There comes a time in every band’s lifespan where their best is behind them, and they just need to take a breather. Besides, Mark [77's bassist Harmon] has been driving me up a wall. It’s always, ‘Mike, when can I do a solo gig?’, and, ‘Mike, can I sing lead on this album’, and , ‘Mike, when can we record another Strawmen album’, and ‘Mike, when can we tour again so I can get some Krispy Kreme donuts?’ It just gets to you after a while, ya know?”

Harmon was unavailable for comment. But a note on his tent at [Official Cornerstone site for 77's fans] Camp 77 reads: “Bassist/vocalist seeks cool rock/jazz fusion band to showcase my brilliant covers of DeGarmo & Key classics and Sammy Hagar-esque vocals.”

Official management for the 77′s confirmed Roe’s break from the band. Jonathan ” I am da bomb” Feavel, whose management company Warm and Filled Management is responsible for milking every last cent out of the critically acclaimed but widely unheralded “It’s For You” tour, said Roe had been planning to make Cornerstone 2000 his swan song.

“He’s been dying out on the road the past tow or three years, you know? All those Steak & Shake meals with fans really got to him. I think he’s got an ulcer but he won’t tell me for sure. Everybody wanting to pose with him, shake hands, smile like he cares about these people and sign ‘All Fall Down‘ covers. C’mon, man. Mike says AFD was one of the lamest projects the Sevens ever did. Hey, this is off the record, right?”

Feavel further stated that the band would continue to record, but without a vocalist. “Mark was hounding Mike for a long time (about singing), but Mike said he can’t carry a tune in a bucket. So to appease him we’re gonna let Mark and Bruce [77's drummer] Spencer and Scott[everything else virtuoso] Reams do some kind of jazz stuff. It’ll be great, really. The kids’ll go nuts for this kinda thing. Hey, don’t quote me on that, ok? Mark’s still a little peeved over the whole vocal thing.”

When asked to comment on the change in direction for the 77′s, Spencer stated tersely, “Shoot, man, it’s fine by me. I’ve been standing in that egomaniac’s shadow for, like, years now. You know? Who got all the credit for [Roe's critically acclaimed solo release] ‘The Boat Ashore’? Mike. But who wrote the whole freakin’ album? Me. And who got credit for the catchy title? Mike. But guess who came up with it? Me. Mike Roe. The boat ashore. Get it? I’m telling you, man, every cool thing Mike’s ever done since Marky [founding 77's and John Lennon-like member Tootle] left was my idea, you know? Why do you think Dave [former 77's guitarist Leonhardt] and Aaron [former 77's percussionist 'A-train' Smith] moved to Nashville anyway? Hey, you’re not recording this, are you?”

Neither Leonhardt nor Smith were available for comment. Repeated attempts to contact Leonhardt were rebuffed by an eerie rendition of the song, “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” on Leonhardt’s answering machine. Sources close to the band report Leonhardt is feverishly offloading 7′s memorabilia on eBay before Roe disassociates himself and the band becomes an obscure Christian alternative group that is known only by a handful of hardcore fans.

Although no official word of Roe’s retirement has been forthcoming, the 77′s merchandising website hinted as early as last week that there was mounting tension within the band.

“My wife and I are taking a two-week vacation to go to Cornerstone and visit family and friends. It’s been a hellish few weeks for us and we just need a break from this band,” reads an announcement by7 77′s merchandising webmaster Steve Johnson. “J.T. said it was ok, but Mike is really pissed that orders won’t be processed until the week after Cornerstone. But if I don’t get out from under his micromanagement I’m gonna go postal or something. All I ever hear is Mike screaming, ‘push more units … push more units! Sell, baby, sell! Rolling Stone’s gonna put me on the cover with or without you! I’m gonna be where it’s at!’ Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.”

Johnson could not be reached for comment.

July, 2000

food porn is one of the guiltiest pleasures there is, but lust promises what it can’t deliver. so when we’re looking for that next great culinary innovation, we start to lose sight of some basic truths about what God gave us for our enjoyment.

erwin mcmanus likes to say the more we have of something, the more words we have to describe it. for instance, we have a number of ways to describe snow: ice, sleet, freezing rain, hail, slush, powdery, packy, fluffy, flurry, blizzard, avalanche (and about 20 others).  and yet it’s all about precipitation that sticks to the ground.

same with food. for instance, how many ways can you make shrimp? turns out, there are a lot of ways. but if you lived, say in haiti, or burundi, just how many options do you have in comparison to the U.S.A.?  not as many.

maybe shrimp is an extreme luxury example. so let’s talk about cheeseburgers: some three billion people in the world live on less than two dollars a day. that means half the world’s population lives on less than what we can get for $2 US on the value meal at mcdonald’s, burger king or wendy’s. put another way, every seven seconds, somewhere in the world a child under the age of five dies of hunger, as Americans throw away 14% of the food we purchase.

while those same three billion people survive on less than $2 US daily, the average American teenager spends nearly $150 a week. as we consume 400-600 liters of water per day in the U.S.A., one billion people do not have access to clean water.

while I worry about whether the wifi is free at mcdonald’s, 1.6 billion people in the world have no electricity at all. of those, nearly 100 million are denied basic education, while we debate about how the sopranos ended, or if jack bauer will finally die and save us all the hassle of watching another 24 hours of formulaic rehashed action television.

the statistics are so mind boggling, they are difficult to grasp. maybe that’s why we don’t talk about the fact that the cost of solving world’s clean water problems was roughly the same amount of money Americans spent on Black Friday, 2007.

we have so much resource at our disposal. so much disposable income, and so much leisure time that we have more names for it than we can count: golf. the kentucky derby. 25% of the world’s oil consumed by 5% of its population. the NBA playoffs. krispy kreme. x-men. rider mowers. air conditioning. second life. docker’s. timeshares in barbados. a 401(k). sport utility vehicles. wii fit. subprime mortgages. american idol.

someday I will dine at bobby’s mesa grill. if I’m really fortunate, he’ll be issuing me a throwdown for my culinary skills.

a boy can dream big dreams. and while I’m at it maybe I can dream about teaching someone to fish, not just how to make a killer tuna nacho.

[ statistics (c) 2008, Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell ]

I was reading a commentary on John 13. the commentary explained that our view of relationships will never be enlightened until we actually set our own agendas aside and serve those we love. (note the greek definition of loving one’s wife is to serve and protect). as Jesus told the disciples they were not part of him unless they allowed him to wash their feet, he also explained they would come to understand the moment over time.

what they needed to learn, said the commentary, is that obedience precedes revelation. or, giving yourself over to kneeling and wiping off all the dust and dung and grime from a loved another person’s feet will bring insight you never expected.

fast forward to late afternoon. we were without a mower (broken), a weed wacker (wouldn’t start), or a ladder (not tall enough to reach the gutters). the rain was coming, and so was the Man, if the grass grew any higher.  and there was a baseball game (we rule the field under the lights). this was serious.

my neighbor came through in a big way, and although my son exhibited outward signs of disinterest, he helped me get the 70-lb. ladder up in the air. and then a most curious thing happened: he offered to do the gutter cleaning. earlier he made great strides in mowing. so up he went, me holding a ladder that wouldn’t have moved if I had kicked it.

and then came the insight: he was interested in the job, but he was only interested in it because I was doing it with him. earlier in the day, a job went poorly because I merely supervised. on this job we worked together (or collaborated, in professional speak). and the 7-11 hot dogs and slushies just sealed the moment.

as I reflected on the day to my wife, she remarked how our children are marvels of production, insight and creativity when we invest time in them. almost every job is trivial if we do it together.

put another way, we actually come away more blessed from a moment of serving for having served.

and they yard and gutters turned out pretty nice too …

Last year was a banner year for milestones: 40 years old, 30 years as a Christ follower, married 15 years, 10 years working for one company, 5 years in management.  Oh, and I became a pastor.

This year, it’s all downhill. Numbers that end in 1 or 6 just don’t have the same ring to them, do they?

So when I received word today of my acceptance into the doctoral program I applied for, I realized some changes are going to be necessary.  Much like my Master’s degree program, it’s a time to reflect and prepare for a new season of formal learning. And being one not incredibly disciplined to sit still and read thoroughly, it will probably be one of the toughest challenges of my adult life.

I’ve been very, very good at getting by without requiring a significant depth of technical expertise in any domain.  I’m a quick study, I understand concepts well, and can analogize the hell out of them. I can also put them into a larger context and give you three salient points on why “it” is important to you, to me, or to society.  And probably all of them.  I can even give you a spiritual spin on why something matters (ask me about how your problem is not your problem sometime).

This degree program will undoubtedly test me like nothing else has. And so it’s time to get some stuff in order to be ready.

I want to be part of a community who live an authentic faith. who know they have yet to find what they are looking for, but they are doggedly pursuing it regardless.

I am looking for a climate of love in which to weather myself. to nod over coffee, and know I sit with one who has felt the same pains; who shares the same struggles; who has wisdom from the miles and the years; and a sense of humor to laugh in the face of the days to come.

I want to be a part of Dr. King’s beloved community.  I seek … heaven on earth.

We can only possess what we experience
We can only possess what we experience
Truth to be understood must be lived
We can only possess what we experience

There is a difference, a qualitative difference
Between what I know as a fact, and what I know as truth
It stands as a great divide to separate my thinking
From when I’m thinking foolishly and when I’ve understood

The facts of theology can be altogether cold
Though true in every way they alone can’t change me
Truth is creative, transforming and alive
it’s truth that keeps me humble, saved and set free

Straight up honesty, that’s my obligation
That’s the point when I obey the truth without hesitation
When faith gains consent of my stubborn will
And makes the irreversible commitment real

To the Jesus of my journey, to the Christ of crucifixion,
Resurrection and redemption, to the Father of mercy,
To the God of all comfort
Then and only then, then and only then,
Then and only then, truth begins its
Saving and illuminating work within the heart

And not a moment sooner, not one moment sooner

If there be no sympathy, there can be no understanding
You must surrender to a truth to really understand it
Oh look at me, my opinion slipped out
But I’m under obligation, without hesitation
To speak the truth in love, speak the truth in love
Somebody said, “Opinion is the queen of the world”
I believe this goes way beyond opinion
Crown this one king, crown this one king, crown this one king
Baby, where I come from that’s a bold, bold statement
But I ain’t no company man, you can respect that, can’t you?

the first half of the trip was spent driving the family across three countries; the second half started out with a most welcome down day. and down days, for me, lead to looking inward: what is my focus supposed to be? what am I missing out on by being so busy?

what are my plans for my career? my family? my church? am I being who God designed me to be? what has God put before me that I have yet to pursue? am I relentless yet?

how much of what I am doing right now is important, and how much is running to stand still?